Fantasy's Demise

Slowly I am dying of lonliness, suffocating in the emptiness.
I am finding it hard to breathe.
The stab of pain in my chest reminds me of the nothingness.
That which follow my fantasy's death.

You've gone and while good-byes were said, is there really good in them?
Why am I in deep a shit right now?
Will I ever get over this… how?

I have our last conversation on repeat.
Don't you feel beat?
Because I am, time and again-- as your name is a constant refrain that courses through my brain.

Seriously, why is your absence affecting me so?
I shoulda let this die it's premature death a long time ago.
But I got caught up with the fantasy of you.
And now you've gone, my fantasy's demise-- suddenly it's true.

So I let these words pour through me. Yes, I miss you D!

Excerpts

I hurt as the sun sweeps rays of hope to all but one. I cry until all the earth's river has gone dry. I die a little each time we say goodbye. Inconsolable in the nothingness. I am devoid of feelings i try to forget. Bereft of a chance to draw my last breath. It does not matter what this is. I am sick and tired of the never ending rants. I must not be one, i care not for anyone. I rather to be a bystander and not complain. Than be a strong voice whose action will never be seen. Ridiculed, judged, misunderstood and shamed. Ironic isn't it? I have long been gone but the ghost of me lingers. Oh, i must have done something worth nothing. I strived so hard. Oh, and the world does not have any idea how. Hard, i so strived. Damnation! This is not a rant. I am merely trying to express... "What?" you ask, I guess it is what it is.

"Kumain ka na ba?"

Suddenly I remember Pop and an instance in my life so long ago ( or has it been that long?) bata pa ako surely, to believe that going home at 9pm is way too late for any teenager. One time umuwi ako pasado 9 na nang gabi. I can't remember where I was from, though. But I can remember dreading a helluva reprimand since I was a freshman in college and I really have no business going home so late. So then, ingat na ingat pa akong bukasan ang pinto, as it seems everybody else was asleep already, only to realize that Pop was sitting in the dark, silently waiting. I remember feeling somewhat frozen to where I stood. Oh no! Pop's gonna scold me for sure (and yes, I was that young to be afraid of my fathers wrath). My mind was raising to come up with a decent enough reason for being late. I dreaded him asking me where I went, who was I with and what the hell was I doing that I failed to be home earlier. I have no valid answer, atleast nothing that would excuse me to warrant no reprimand. But my dad is the coolest most liberated man. Because instead of being mad at me, he simply asked "kumain ka na ba?". I swear relief wasn't the first feeling that swept thru me, rather it was guilt! Guilt, for worrying him needlessly while I was probably just out with friends on a school night (I say probably kasi di ko talaga matandaan why gabi na ako nakauwi!) Madami siyang pweding itanong sa akin that time and have every right to. But he just asked if I ate already, and after getting the positive response, without another word just went up to finally sleep. He did not scold me on a deed done wrong. But he did talk to me come morning, in a calm but firm way, and reminded me of what I did wrong.( I failed to let my parents know that I will be home late.) I realized that I was taught a lesson then. I am an adult so I should act like one. I love and admire my dad for that. For being fair in dealing with me for my transgression. For talking to me without scorn or feeling of being belittled. For not pushing and demanding what he wanted of me but letting me know for myself what that should be and to act and have the responsiblity for all my action. reposting just so we could get updated the original note hails from here :