in utero

three years and i'm still grieving.

three years : i still remember and feel like it was just three days ago instead of actually 36 months, passing, bemoaning my fate..

EROS RILEY

he would have been three years old by now.

looking back, i can't remember actually feeling scared or feeling physical pain..my heart broken, i was in agony, the heavens seemed to have closed in on me..

i cried a mother's tear when i lost him. in my womb, i carried his lifeless body. i cried. but i had to be strong. i had no one. i accepted my child's fate but could not understand why i had to loose him so soon. before i could even hold him in my arms, feed him, bathe him, shelter him, love him.

for some time, i was bitter.. then there was acceptance, with no understanding, no reason.. i continue to grieve for the son i had and lost..

i grieved a mother's grief. i'm still grieving. for when you loose someone you brought into the world, closure is deemed an undiscovered word. you grieve, even when you are happy, even when you are in the company of your family.

a chance at life.. did i loose hope?! (i'd like to think not..)

i loved a mother's love. unbidden, unselfish, unconditional, unrequited..

i loved and lost.. had my heart broken yet again..

i learned, and am still learning.. the birth and death of my first child made me reflect on all the days before, when such a thing seemed impossible, and all the days after, when i knew better.

i guess, i just had to learn the hard way.

"he was my sweetest downfall, i loved him first.."