Pagaalinlangan

I thought i was ready to take on a new something. Hindi pa rin pala. "and the thing that freaks me out, is that i'll always be in doubt.." (ANIMAL INSTINCT - CRANBERRIES)

I can't even seem to think passed that notion right now. Bigla na lang, nasasakal ako ng pag-aalinlangan! I take a step forward only to be pulled 10 steps back.

My only consolation in this is : at least, i'm not trying to deny the fact, that, i'm scared shit! Scared of committing myself into a relationship. Scared of the responsibility it entails. Scared of losing myself again, when for 24years, i'm still searching for me!

Earlier this year, i promised to say "yes" to the first guy who would dare court me. (which sounds like a desperate ultimatum, n0w that i think of it). In the end, i just gave chances, but could never say "yes".

Naduduwag ako! Di pa rin pala ako ready. Clearly, there are a lot of ways to break somebody's heart, none of them : easy..

Dream Catch Me

Two months before i turn 24 (which was 12noon yesterday), i received a call (details of which will not be elaborated) knowing who or where it was coming from even before i answered it! (don't get me wr0ng, this isn't a n0te pertaining to psychic thing or whatever) Either, i'm not getting that much call on my m0bile lately, or, that i'm actually expecting that call to come through. (so it was both). It was only a matter of time.. I have high hopes. N0t on the foreign influences that could affect my future, but on my capabilities and or, limitati0ns to make something work out for myself..

I notice that i'm such a dreamer. Heck! I probably dream a lot more than everyone (in my family, atleast) possibly could. (not that i'd say they don't have dreams, just that n0t as much as i probably would have). Like, i dream while sleeping, waking and everytime in between. But i make sure my dreams are reasonable. That i can achieve everything upto (or should i say "down to"?) the most simple detail so they don't seem unreasonable. So as to give me a sense of actually fulfilling something even in that dream.. I don't make a habit of dreaming the impossible. (they tend to get nasty). So i just dream dreams. Yeah, i've got lots of 'em..

Amazing how we could have everything simply by wanting them. But dreams, remain dreams. When you have then, they could mean a lot of different things and what-n0ts. Then, when you get to realize dreams and make them come true, they become miracles : wonders of life! But m0re often than n0t, its hard.. See, the hard part isn't the dreaming, or the how to make that dream come true. Its the wanting, the need, the drive, the will to make dreams happen (not in a r.e.m-state) in actual, real-time, kick-ass-move-now state! (its easier to get lost in ones dream)..

Somewhere, i've read Mr.N.Gaiman wrote : "death defines life, as dream defines reality" (i've always loved that line!).. Personally, i think dreams are miracles, waiting to be realized. . And willing them to happen!.. So dream, even the most impossible dream. Whose to stop one from dreaming? Dream about everything and n0thing. Afterall, they're free! (pop would always tell me this)..

But there's a catch. (believe me there is!) one must make sure to dream the right dreams, else they turn into nightmares!..

This is my wake-up call. Time to for some dream-catching. I strongly believe dreams are just dreams, until you wake up, follow them, and make 'em happen! XD

morbid thoughts

for the happiness he swiftly claimed.
my life, has it all been a dream?

now, my eyes have no more tears left to cry..
my lips are pursed, can no longer smile.

all around me, it is silence i hear.
deafening..
detrimental of the chaos i feel.

i ward them off with my hands..
willing them to go away..
what i see with my eyes..
memories echo in my mind..

i laugh without humor.
i hurt, yet now, devoid of pain.

there's not a star from what little patch of heaven i can see through where i've lain..

darkness will engulf me soon.
inevitable.
undeniable.
taking me to eternal oblivion..
~aco4th

in utero

three years and i'm still grieving.

three years : i still remember and feel like it was just three days ago instead of actually 36 months, passing, bemoaning my fate..

EROS RILEY

he would have been three years old by now.

looking back, i can't remember actually feeling scared or feeling physical pain..my heart broken, i was in agony, the heavens seemed to have closed in on me..

i cried a mother's tear when i lost him. in my womb, i carried his lifeless body. i cried. but i had to be strong. i had no one. i accepted my child's fate but could not understand why i had to loose him so soon. before i could even hold him in my arms, feed him, bathe him, shelter him, love him.

for some time, i was bitter.. then there was acceptance, with no understanding, no reason.. i continue to grieve for the son i had and lost..

i grieved a mother's grief. i'm still grieving. for when you loose someone you brought into the world, closure is deemed an undiscovered word. you grieve, even when you are happy, even when you are in the company of your family.

a chance at life.. did i loose hope?! (i'd like to think not..)

i loved a mother's love. unbidden, unselfish, unconditional, unrequited..

i loved and lost.. had my heart broken yet again..

i learned, and am still learning.. the birth and death of my first child made me reflect on all the days before, when such a thing seemed impossible, and all the days after, when i knew better.

i guess, i just had to learn the hard way.

"he was my sweetest downfall, i loved him first.."

in truth lies bliss

there is bliss in ignorance.

they say : "what you don't know can't hurt you".. this may be true at some point in our lives, but that is not always the case. sooner or later, there will come along that good christian who never forgets the seven corporeal teachings and actually practices them!

(at least one, if not all seven!) and in this case, it is: "to instruct the ignorant"

now where will bliss be!?

LOST.

ultimately, though, it will be replaced by enlightenment and a new faith. (hopefully!)

see that's why the truth often hurts. (a cliche, i know) but you must agree, though, the truth can set you free!

but then, most people would see truth in relative to their own stand point, the way they see fit, thus there are twisted truths.. lies in truths.

thank goodness for FREEWILL that enables us to choose and decide for ourselves what truths lie might there be..

jeez! oh-kay.. now i feel like i'm preaching!

i most certainly am not! at least, in my point of view, that is the truth indeed! (i'm just blabbing away thoughts)

wth, lemme just depart with this then : i know that you know now that the best way to tell a lie is to tell part of the truth. but do you know the best way to be corrected/forgiven!? (make a mistake/sin first!) GO FIGURE! ~.^