selfishness

i (still) believe its (always) better to give than to receive.

pero, nakanampucha naman, its no good when you have nothing to give! don't you just hate it paghinihingan ka, of time, a listening ear, or some other worldly material and you can't readily provide?

that's the time it sucks to be the one on the giving end. because, although rejection or being denied of something is a terrible feeling, it still doesn't beat not being able to provide..

isipin mo na lang, may batang paslit na nagmamalimus, and since you're feeling generous, dudukot ka sa iyong bulsa, only to find out that you only have enough coins left : pamasahe pauwi.. so you walk on feeling guilty for not being able to give alms.

for as long as i can remember, i've always hated being asked for something, anything. honestly, because i'm really selfish by nature. personally, i've three selfish reasons :

pressure : because once hiningan ka, you're always expected to give! if you can't (for whatever reason), you're the bad guy. and when you do give, almost always, its never enough! (a little bit more perhaps?!)

fear of criticism : takot akong laitin ang effort ko to give. this doesn't happen all the time, but it happens and its a bull-crappy feeling. making you regret you ever took the effort to give!

helplessness : i detest this most of all. the feeling that you've given it your all and still it isn't enough.

it was always easy to do the asking, but never have i experienced finding it easy to do the giving. especially when its beyond your power to give.

so i make a habit of providing without being asked. (meaning : when i feel like it!) making sure na kung nagbibigay nga ako, yun ay kusang-loob. not dahil hiningan ako, or napilitan magbigay. i find it rewarding this way.

selfishness defines generosity. still, its better to give than to receive, of course, when you have enough of everything to give! otherwise, forget it. my point being : "thank you" means nothing if its not heartfelt. ~.~